Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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