someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
