You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
it's great music for shaving your balls
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
