Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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