Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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