i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
