Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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