Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
