Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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