I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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