Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
