I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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