So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
