Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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