if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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