no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
