why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
