A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
