So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
