I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
