My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
