If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
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