I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
where are my pants?
in the oven.
there is glitter all over my balls
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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