he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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