it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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