I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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