You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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