i don't like sucking hair
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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