I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
