I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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