sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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