I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
