so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Watching her eat just hurts me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
