fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
