did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
