Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
