i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
