if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
