WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
