I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
