i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
