Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
