Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
