im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
