do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
