I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway