If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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