I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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