I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm passing your future prison.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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