Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's official drugs can't kill me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
