Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
