Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
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Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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