I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
