i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
