Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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