My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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