I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
